By STEVE PRICE
October 18, 2006

For those of you who have called the South home for more than a few months now, this article should be considered “an attempt at provoking humor through the usage of stereotypes and bad caricatures.” For the rest of you, though, I reckon you had best pay attention to these here words, because I ain’t gonna say ’em twice! Forget about your hose pipes and drop cords. This is me taking you through Redneck Life 101!

Ahem, moving along . . . .

The purpose of this small slice of redneck heaven is to educate you slightly-weird-yet-generally-okay Yankees (i.e., non-Southern persons) to the ways of the Redneck. Believe you me, there are more rednecks living in the area than you and I would like to attest to. And in this, an age of general suspicion and uneasiness, it is important that you blend in anonymously with your new Southern neighbors. To help with your assimilation, the Crusader has turned to its definitive source for cheap redneck humor to provide you with the four golden rules that everyone should heed in the South. It would be ten, but wrestling is on in an hour. Even rednecks have principles, you see.

Here’s a fun fact that we Southerners like to hold onto. You see, we are quite religious in the South. Even though Catholics are outnumbered by other denominations (like Baptists, Southern Baptists, Methodists, etc.), religious tensions are about as rare as a pig with wings. Or a Panther that’s not juicing, if you will. So, when you find yourself taking in all the wonderful sights and sounds of the local churches, just remember that everyone is welcome. Just make sure that you don’t get in the way of the church crowd going home, because if you cause them to miss the drop of the green flag at Bristol, by golly, someone’s going to get hit with a hickory stick upside the head.

Speaking of things that will get you a shot to the melon, football is the sport of choice in most places down South. High school football in North Carolina may not be as high-profile as in other parts of the South, but we have our mud-slinging, drag out slobber-knockers like any other area. College football in the Southland means one thing: SEC Football, my friends. Trying to separate a scuffle between Auburn and Alabama fans is about as dumb as trying to separate Georgia and Florida fans. However, it is OKAY to slug anyone singing “Rocky Top.” Tennessee fans are owed that much. In the NFL, most die-hard fans are followers of the Redskin or Cowboy persuasion, while most newbie fans in the area go for the Panthers. Well, new fans and those that have a high tolerance for really, really bad choke jobs. Case in point, my favorite team is the Boston Red Sox, so one guess as to my favorite football team.

Those last two were more lighthearted than this lesson. My friends, making a derogatory joke about Barney Fife or Floyd Lawson is punishable by jail time all points north of Salisbury. Making fun of the Andy Griffith Show’s whistling theme is punishable by the forced viewing of Power Rangers nonstop. Only a true redneck can effortlessly recite the list of Mayberry’s most famous residents, including Otis, Gomer, and Ernest T. Bass. Of course, the hardcore rednecks can tell you that Mayberry doesn’t exist in real life. The uber-rednecks can tell you what town Mayberry was probably based on (Hint: it certainly wasn’t Mount Airy, Postal Code 27030 in Surry County, North Carolina).

And finally, our big finale sees the number one life-saving rule for any person new to the Gaston County area. Contrary to what you may hear on the evening news, the biggest drug problem in Gaston County isn’t the distribution of marijuana. It’s actually caffeine, from the highly addictive citrus soda, Sun Drop. Coming in a bastion of mind-boggling flavors (Citrus, Diet, and Cherry-Lemon), Sun Drop is as addictive as crack to anyone born here. If you try and steal someone’s Sun Drop from them, you will lose a finger, if not two. Take notice, for you have been warned!

So, there you go. The complete idiot’s guide to surviving in the South. If anyone new to the area can learn a few things from this column, then my work is complete. Happy trails, my good neighbors, and remember -- we give sign language to you while driving because we care enough about your feelings to do so.

(If you are a native of the South, and found this article incredibly offensive and/or degrading, then congratulations! You‘re just like eight million other Carolinians who are tired of stereotypes.)